I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Okay me first
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
6. me as a lawyer
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.