I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.