i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.