when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
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Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
What is going on? 😅
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.