Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
look at me when i’m typing to you
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours