judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.