My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.