Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
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I’ve watched this 17,467 times
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
every college guy’s fridge
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT