Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket