the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.