[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
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Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Barbie gone wild
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
found my next D&D character name
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
i wish all
whales
a very
big