I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Sheep
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason