Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I’m not stressed
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I think I’m having a stroke
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My wife gives the best headache.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*