H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
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HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago