My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.