If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.