Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
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[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.