I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
plant them where lol
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog