i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
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if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
a public service announcement
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.