“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
this article brought to you by lions
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.