[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
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[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.