Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I would like even faster food.
When he asks for feet pics
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.