[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
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My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer