I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.