Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
When someone trying to leave me
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
that lip filler tho
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman