[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Van Gone
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Air conditioning – not a fan
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals