My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
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Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I think the cat got the dog high.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My background check bounced.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
what’s really going on
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it