curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.