[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
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[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*