Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan