Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
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When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel