“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
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[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
my name if I was in the mob
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.