I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
This dude got his own movie?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…