If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
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Shark week, but for squirrels.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
God, I love Scotland
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes