I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
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when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.