Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
good let them take over I have had enough
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour