It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
🤣
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*