Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
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My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches