Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
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I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Phones down.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Can’t, holding a grudge