Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
That earthquake could have been an email.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!