the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
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I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
just having fun
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.