After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*