Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
You Might Also Like
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…