I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
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Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.