Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.