According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.