Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity