Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.