today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
You Might Also Like
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.