Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
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People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
the three branches of government
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.